This week's Next Level column has been digitally remastered. We have attempted to preserve, as closely as possible, the contents of the original work. Because of the funky colored paper the Transistor is printed on, limitations of the source document can be revealed. In storing and handling the Next Level column you should apply the same care a hemophiliac would employ while carrying a glass jar full of razorblades down the stairway to a banana patch. Should this page become soiled by fingerprints, dust, dirt, blood, Malt-O-Meal, Play-Doh or Marilyn Manson, it can be wiped (always in a straight line, from center to edge) with a squeegee or a freshly cut slab of veal. If you follow these suggestions, the Next Level column will provide a lifetime of pure reading enjoyment.
The Last Man on the Moon
"How many of you wanted to be an astronaut when you were a kid?" the speaker asked. Everyone raised a hand, except for an old man in the back.
"When I was a kid," the old man said, "there was no such thing as an astronaut."
Linda's Surprise
After Linda ate a bowl of chili, she got a bad stomachache. She put off going to the doctor for a day, but it kept feeling worse.
It turned out that the stomachache had nothing to do with the chili. Linda was miscarrying a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.
After the emergency surgery, we all had a good laugh.
Spider's Lament
When the bathroom light came on, the black spider stood perfectly still, trying to blend in with the white toilet. He must have been thinking about how there was very little chance that a human being would crush him with the blade of a hockey stick.
Joanne's Humiliation
When Joanne was eight years old, she fainted while milking a cow. The cow was startled by this and stomped on her, breaking her arm and bruising her ribs.
"The worst part was afterward," Joanne confides to her friends. "I was brought into the house and forced to take off my shirt in front of my uncle."
Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He sees no difference between fiction and nonfiction. His e-mail address is paul[at]geekprom.com.
