What good is having a middle finger if you don't use it? It's the longest, most important finger on your hand, and it's there for a reason. Yet sadly, many people are not making use of this easy-to-use communication tool.
I make it a point to flip off at least three people every day, and you should, too. It's the easiest way to suggest to others that they should sexually penetrate themselves. And let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who should sexually penetrate themselves.
Indeed, there are so many people out there who deserve to see your middle finger, if not your entire fist, that you'd be remiss of your civic duty as an American patriot if you didn't frequently stand tall and proudly unfurl your center digit on the slightest whim.
Start with me. I love being flipped off. It keeps me humble. There are a lot of people walking around thinking they are so high and mighty that you can't flip them off without suffering consequences. That alone is enough of a reason to introduce them to Mr. Flip Wilson.
The president, the police, the pope, your boss and your grandmother are all perfect examples of people who should immediately be informed that you think they are number one.
Don't save your middle finger for political "hot-button" issues like abortion, war and religious freedom. The common everyday annoyances of life are great opportunities for you to brush up on your sign language, and you shouldn't let those opportunities go by.
Say, for example, you are at a birthday party and there is one of those people there who has to take a picture of the cake. Give that dingbat the ol' one-finger salute and tell her to take a picture of that instead. She won't thank you for sharing your opinion, but someone will.
Or, maybe you're at the library and some guy is talking way too loudly about his family's fascinating genealogy. Make sure to shush him with your special finger, and then follow through by pushing up your glasses.
The bird is the word, people. Be generous, and share it with others. It's easy, it feels good and it improves society. Just make sure you don't overdo it. Maintain a balanced diet, with frequent mooning and crotch grabbing mixed into your daily routine.
Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. E-mail him a JPEG of your middle finger. His address is paul [at] geekprom.com.
