I love a good parade. At least, I think I do. I mean, I've been to about fifty parades, but I can't say I've ever been to a really GOOD one. The parades on TV look like they might be fun, but it's hard to tell what it's like to be there in person.
I'm used to going to community parades that never, ever, ever have an inflated, 500-foot-tall cartoon character. And, let's face it, that's the only reason to have a parade. Lining up every youth dance group and high school band in town and marching them down Main Street is just not very interesting.
Saying you don't like parades, however, is like saying you don't like Christmas. Some people are bold enough to admit it, but those people are quickly thrown into a class of party-pooping naysayers who want to ruin everything and are incapable of having fun. So, I say I like parades even though I really don't.
The problem, quite simply, is that parades are supposed to have things called "floats" in them. But community parades seldom have anything that floats. They have things called "units" instead. Why would anyone want to see a "unit"?
"Ladies and gentleman, here comes our next unit," I imagine I might say if I was the parade announcer. "It's a truck towing a six-foot-tall pot of Arco coffee. Just look at it, people! Is that a big pot of coffee or what? Wow!"
"And now, walking down the street with a giant smile and a handful of pamphlets, it's every single candidate for public office on this fall's ballot! Isn't that just spectacular?!!! And here comes the mascot of a radio station! Thrilling!"
The only thing I really like about the community parades is when the Shriners ride through on their tiny cars. That is indisputably awesome and anyone who says otherwise is in need of a serious attitude adjustment.
It's hard to imagine how a low-budget parade could be as fun as I want it to be, but there must be something better than simply lining up half the people in town so the other half can watch them go for a walk. Unless you know how to obtain a gigantic Elmer Fudd float at no cost, however, I'm fresh out of ideas.
Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. He'd love to hear your ideas for improving community parades. His e-mail address is paul [at] geekprom.com.
