Suicide Note

If you find me dead, it wasn't suicide. This article is the opposite of a suicide note. It's a public announcement that I'm basically happy and have no plans of taking my own life any time soon.

Sure, I might seem down at times. Like anyone, I wish I had more in life. I'd like more money, more free time and more stuff to wish I had more of. But I do have a lot in this world -- a steady income, people who love me, my health -- so I can't really complain.

If anything tragic should happen to me, the potential of any foul play having been involved should be thoroughly investigated. I'm not saying that I have more reason to fear for my safety than anyone else, but one can never be sure about these things.

Keep in mind that accidents do happen. Sometimes I like to go for long walks and I usually wind up on the edge of a cliff at some point, which has resulted in a few close calls over the years. It gets slippery on the top of Casket Quarry in winter, for example.

If you said something unkind to me recently, don't feel bad about it. I can honestly say I'm not holding any grudges. It would be a shame if I were to accidentally plunge to my death and leave you thinking you were responsible in some way.

And please don't think this column is a masked plea for help. Everything really is going just fine. I do plan to commit suicide some day, but not until I'm much older. I'd like to go for a walk when I'm about 100 and just never come back.

One thing is certain: I would take a moment first to say goodbye to this cruel world before sticking my head into a gas oven. So, if you find my remains, make sure you look for a suicide note. No note equals accident or homicide.

Of course, as a writer I can tell you that without anyone imposing a deadline, I'd probably only get through the first draft of my suicide note. Natural causes would take me long before I finished a composition that had no due date.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. To get on his mass e-mail suicide note list, write to paul[at]geekprom[dot]com.