More Advice

Career Advice

There are a lot opportunities in the field of welding, but you should consider becoming a kissing bandit. You'll find a never-ending supply of people who would benefit from being grabbed at the biceps, kissed softly, then run away from.

Relationship Advice

You can always decorate your car, paint "Just Married" on the back, and drive around by yourself.

Voting Advice

According to a talkative customer at Spirit Valley Paperback Exchange: "God will always vote for you. The devil will always vote against you. That makes you the deciding vote."

If I were you, I'd demand a recount.

Motherly Advice

Concerned about over-population and the vast amount of land occupied by cemeteries, my mother suggests that a giant tower should be built to house the caskets of the future.

"It could be called the Leaning Tower of People," she said. "It would be a tourist attraction."

Then she says the bodies of murders and rapists should be piled up in something called the "Awful Tower."

I told her she has good ideas, and that I had a one for her: "Lay off the booze."

Football Advice

Football is a fun game, but llabtoof is better. It's essentially the same as football, except the offense tries to avoid scoring while the defense tries to force the offense to score.

Body Art Advice

If a pierced nipple is so cool, imagine how awesome you'd be if you had a door knocker screwed into your chest.

Major Motion Picture Advice

Sooner of later, someone is going to make Smurfs: The Movie. When that happens, it will be essential that some new Smurfs are added to the cast. I recommend the following:

Itchy Smurf, Bloody Smurf, Stinky Smurf, Horny Smurf, Paraplegic Smurf, Tickly Smurf, Suicidal Smurf, Klepto Smurf, Battered Smurf, Cannibal Smurf and Well-endowed Smurf.

Advice for Women

If you're trying to convince a man to drink a lot of whisky, try sitting on his lap.

Paul Lundgren is a newspaper columnist and a very nice man. His e-mail address is paul @ geekprom.com.